grief hits when you least expect it
I haven’t had much time on my own since I flew back to SG. I spent my days surrounded by my mum or aunt or the new cat Tyler we got from Fred or I would go to meet close friends who had time to sit and chat with me.
Earlier this morning, I was on my qatar flight and was sat next to an old Spanish dude in one of the few two seater sections on the 3-3-3 seat formation of the cattle class. I was watching one of the (spoilers alert) last scenes of a local film Ilo, Ilo when I suddenly started weeping st the sight of the main character boy Jia Le when he cut a bit of his maid’s hair and sniffed it as she left for the airport.
I want to remember how my dad smelled like and at that moment I could conjure up a faint memory of his scent as.hr lay on the hospital bed. Right now though, my mind is racing to the fact that I’m in an airport and i could head to the duty-free section and look for the Jazz cologne he used to use that will take me back to the 80s/90s or the green bottle of Polo with the men playing polo on horses which he used in later years.
I know people take stuff or look through photos. I took the huge 75L deuter backpack that he used on trips to Malaysia. It started out as mine but I had way too much baggage for my exchange program to Barcelona that I had to leave the brand-new backpack behind. We bought it in Queensway together. I finally decided to retire my 14-year-old Quechua backpack. New beginnings.
I could Google “dealing with grief” or “how to cope after the death of a parent” but it would feel contrived and pretentious as if I needed a format to follow as to how to behave. How should I behave? Who takes two weeks off work to grief or settle things? Don’t everyone just get 3 days off? Was I special cos I live away from the rest of my family? Is it time to relook at my priorities as one friend pointed out or do I go on living like I did for the past 3 years or so since I started my journey? So many questions, no actual right answer for any of it.
My mum started giving good firm goodbye hugs these past few years. They are close and she uses both arms and for a family that’s not really haptic/touchy feely, this is really a move in the right direction I suppose. Gosh I’m tearing again just writing this.
I need an outlet for all these thoughts. I haven’t written in ages and I’m going to use this to help me along.